Karma-Comedian, or Chameleon??

Calla is such a cute dog. Yesterday she loved me so much. She followed me around, didn't give me the "Oh, it's just you." look that she usually gives. She snuggled with me and gave me kisses. It was lovely! She is back to normal today, but its ok, we have our memories :-)

Today and yesterday I haven't been as depressed, but my temper is still super short. It takes nothing at all to make me so angry. I don't know what is wrong with me. I need to figure it out and calm the fuck down.  Seriously. 

My sister called me yesterday, it was really nice to hear from her. We don't talk enough because she's so far away. I lovsh her! She is getting hawty hawt and next time I see her she will be even skinnier than she was last time. I'm a little jealous, but mostly just really, really proud of her. 

I want to get my belly button pierced. My stomach is smaller and my stretch marks are faded out, I think it would look cute again if I were to get it done. I will, if I ever get on my feet again money-wise. It shouldn't be hard, I just can't do anything for a while. And I have to get a second job most likely because the folks at Ihop basically lied to me because they were desperate for me to take the job. I am not mad...wait, yes I am. Damn it. 

I am so over online dating, I have a profile on Okcupid. It's free. It has a pretty good matching system. It seems like a lot of people on there are there for the right reasons...

...however.... there are enough there for the wrong reasons to ruin the experience for me. Wrong reasons are the following:

Sex only. You people are lame. 

Attention. If you have to go online for attention, there are bigger problems.

You want someone to heal you. GTFO. 

Someone "forced" you to make a profile. Bullshit, you are just stuck in the past and won't own up to online dating. 

I'm to the point now where I don't actually expect to meet anyone there, it is just a time killer like facebook and myspace. Well. At least it is something to do.  I have made peace with the fact that I'm going to be single forever.

Since I am done with My Sister's Keeper, I was looking through my books to see if there was something else I want to read. I have this book, I don't know where it came from, but it is called Marriable, or something like that. LOL. It's like a self help book. LOL. LOLOLOL. I will let ya'll know how it is. 

This weekend my room mate's fiance's friend is staying in our house. She is staying in the room that has my extra closet. She will be sharing my bathroom. Such an intrusion. I'm thinking about making her use the one downstairs. I don't like my room mate's fiance, I don't want to provide toilet paper and shampoo to her friend. Ew. 

I'm So Fake.

Right now I am more depressed then I think I have ever been in my life. All I want to do is lay in my bed, read, watch tv, or whatever else I can do that doesn't require people. It is so unlike me. I love people, what is wrong with me? I am so much meaner in my head than I ever usually am. My temper is short.  My sex drive is gone. I am just all around not a nice person right now.

I fake it like a mother fucker every day though. I go to work and smile and laugh. I go out with the girls and gossip and giggle and talk about boys. I am such a liar. I pretend like I'm so happy all the time and that I'm not exhausted and stressed out and terribly sad...and for what? For the benefit of those that would not be able to handle it if I were upset. 

My friends tell me that I am so confident and so strong and they count on me and blah blah blah. ENOUGH. I need to have a bad day. I need to get mad and yell at someone. O my God, I need to act the way I feel. 

But I can't, that wouldn't be polite. That would mean causing discomfort to other people. Thank God no one reads my blog or there would be a lot of disappointed people right now. 

I did get some relief though, today. 

I finished the book My Sister's Keeper, and it was so good that I locked myself in my room all day to finish it. Left the cell phone downstairs. Blubbered and sobbed the whole time, because the book was so sad. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone that wants a happy ending or anyone that wants to be happy. But if you need a good cry and want to feel moved, it is so excellent. 

Then I went to work and was pleasant and nice like always, and I made 16 dollars. Screw night shift at Ihop. I am so happy I normally work the mornings. 

Ugh, I am so emo. I'm sorry to anyone that reads this. 

The Wheat Fields

It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved.  

This old cliche statement resonates more true in me every single day.

This posting is going to be different. It is not going to be random like all my others have been, and it is not going to be funny. I'm not going to rant. This posting is about one thing and one thing only, the fact that I am not and never will be over my ex boyfriend, Brad. 

I loved him with my whole self. I opened up to him immediately, and I trusted him about five seconds after that. The way I felt about him was so different than any other time I thought I was in love, it was real. 

I can't go to certain places that we used to go without thinking about him.

I go anyway. 

I can't look at a nice car without thinking, 'O, Brad would love that.' I can't look at hillbilly teeth, penguins, shiny bowls, or even my own arm without thinking of some thing that included him. I can't listen to most classic rock anymore without remembering that it was the only thing he wouldn't complain about playing in my car.  

It hurts.

There are days when I don't know if I can even get out of bed because he is not beside me anymore. 

But I always get up. 

It's not even that I miss him specifically anymore, I miss the way I felt about him and how I knew he wouldn't let anything happen to me. How I was safe with him. I knew that no matter what happened to me, he would be there with open arms ready and willing to pick up the pieces and let me cry until I felt better. He would be there to listen to me when I had no one else to talk to. He would be there. 

And now, he is gone. I know that I will never see him again. 

And I am ok with it. 

Even though it hurts so much to not have him, I can't help but smile when I look back on the memories we share. I am so glad that my relationship with Brad ended on good, friendly terms because that way I am grateful for the little reminders and, most of all, my standards are securely in place because I know that I have had and do deserve a man that will treat me in such a way that I want to be treated. 

Some days I look back and mourn. Most days I look back and smile and look forward to my future with whoever Mr. Next is, or maybe even Mr. Right. 

The way I felt about Brad has transformed, and it has been time to move on for a while. 

"It has done me good,"said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields."

Black Poop?!?!?!?!

So I got real sick the other day from eating cheesy potato soup from Bob Evans. I went to work the next day and felt like poop all day long. My manager gave me some Pepto. Over the next couple days, my poop was BLACK. Like, it was scaring me.  I went online and typed in, "My poop is black," into the search bar. To my surprise, a common side effect of pepto is black poop because it reacts to the sulfer that you are poopin out. OMG. Also, black tongue is common. Thank God I didn't get that too. 

In other news, I am ridiculously sunburned. In pain even. I haven't worn a bra in two days. 

My room mate has made me upset again today, it was no big deal, I just hate it when people leave me notes. I have created a new Roomates.com account and have messaged two people already. Both of those places have cheaper rent than I am paying now. I just don't want to be here any more. 

My mom's new car is hotty hot. Pontiac Solstice in the color, "mean." I love. 

I dreamed last night that I was a vampire hunter. 

How long do you think my poop will stay dark? Blah.

There once was  a girl with an ache.

She took some pepto for her sake.

Her poop soon turned black,

Who would have thought that? 

And now she thinks she ought to bake. (cookies, that is.)

Rainy Day Blues.

Today is my day off. Plans for today were things like:

Clean out my car

Clean my room

Clean my bathroom

Find a use for all the cherries I bought for no reason

Lounge all day by the pool

It is raining, a lot. I can't clean out my car or lounge by the pool, which only leaves me exciting things like cleaning my bedroom and my bathroom and playing with cherries. Not that I don't love cherries. 

Found out today that two people from my childhood are now Drag queens. They are open about this and did a show last night so I see no problem in revealing their identities, but on the off chance that someone other than my sister reads this, you won't know who they are anyway. 

It's sad thought that they make prettier women then a lot of girls I know. 

A quote from Reginald about the topic:

 "I was in town and I saw this cute girl and I kept getting the feeling that I'd seen her before. The more I looked at her, the more I saw the resemblance and then OMG I knew who it was and had to go shoot something to feel less gay." Gotta love those PC Wilkes Co. peeps. 

Another thing I was thinking of: Why do we folks from Wilkes Co. say Wilkes County instead of saying like Hays or North Wilkesboro or Wilkesboro or something? That is so weird. Now that I live in Cornelius I don't say I'm from Mecklemburg, I say I live in Cornelius. No one else does this, except the folks from Wilkes. They all do it. All of them. 

The more I think about it the more I realize that I probably won't do anything today.  I slept super late (10:00 a.m.), it's dark and icky outside, and all in all I just don't feel like getting up off of the couch. My bathroom is pretty gross though. I might have to suck it up and go clean that. 

Still only one follower on my blawg, it's very sad. I only made it like a week ago so I shouldn't be that sad about it, lawl. 

Lewis went away like two days ago and I haven't seen him since. He is a grown man and can do whatever he pleases, wherever he pleases, whenever he pleases, but I wish he would let me know when he's going to not be coming home because how do I know if something really bad happened to him or not? Not that Lewis ever notices when I don't come home for the night, but I would hope that if I didn't come home for three days without telling him he would worry about me to. 

I wore sweats and a t shirt to my mom's house last night. I'm pretty sure she thinks I have gained a ton of weight but I haven't, it's just the sweats and t shirt. She looked at my belly funny and it kinda made me feel bad about myself, that's why I'm posting about it here. It's so funny that I can go out by  the pool in my bikini and not feel bad about myself, but I'm so scared of what my family will think of me when I visit. She didn't say anything about the way I looked, I'm just making stupid assumptions about the look. You know what assumptions do to you anyway. 

I am wracking my brain about what I can do with those cherries. I don't know why I bought them in the first place...probably because I like cherries. Maybe I'll make some kind of sauce with them. Or I'll fry them. Or I'll just eat the little bitches. Who knows? 

So tired.

I am exhausted. Because I work in the morning and afternoon, I am not eating like I should. I'm not eating the things that I should, as often as I should, or even as much as I should. I am also not used to waking up so early. Not drinking enough water. Not exercising as much as I should. Basically, I'm tired and I need to take better care of me. 

tonight I'm making pico. I'm pumped about it. The hint of lime tostitos are freaking good, it is more than a hint though. Good thing I like lime. 

I can't even think of anything else to write about. My pockets are jingling. 

Randomocity.

So I trained today for the last day, and I am a server now. It's cool because I will keep the tips I make, and it sucks because my hourly wage is now $2.13. Also, I don't know how I'm going to get enough hours in, I am just going to have to buckle down more in my search for a second job. Why can't I just find a sugar daddy to take care of me so that I don't have to work anymore? That, friends, would be ballin'. (Jk, old rich guys are usually pretty gross.)

I feel disgusting today, my self esteem is pretty low. Why? I don't know. Here are some reasons I SHOULD be happy: 

*I am doing well at my job, I didn't have to even do half of the required training because I'm super waitress. 

*I have been losing weight pretty steadily. 

*I have a date tonight. 

*I found out that I do infact have friends, I just forgot about them. 

*The old folks at work tell me on a daily basis how gorgeous I am. 

*I'm finally making money.

*Lew and Calla are home.

*I am a pretty darn fabulous cook. 

*I got 8.5 hours of sleep last night. 

Generally, just one of those reason would be enough to have me bouncing off the walls in happiness, but today not so much.... maybe I have been eating too many pancakes lately. I mean, I am generally super cocky...but today I don't even feel comfortable wearing my bikini without a tank top over it. And why? who knows. 

I made a Twitter account, it's pretty baller. I am following such folks as Oprah, Martha Stewart, Shaq, Moby, Al Gore, BOB VILLA, and much, much more. My sister is particularly excited about Bob, that's why it's in all caps. She always said she was going to marry him someday. 

So my date tonight is kind of weird. I met this guy like a while back. His name was Louis. (weird, right? my room mate is also Lewis.) I went on two dates with Louis, on the second of which, I met his room mate. After the second date, I never heard from him again. We just weren't clicking so it was no big thing. WELL. Last night, the room mate texts me and wants to take me out. Pretty neat. So I'm going out with Roommate Eric tonight. Not sure if it's a date, I asked him and he said it's up to me....I'll decide that at a later time. 

Right now I am waiting for Italia to get back from grocery shopping so we can go swim it up. I hope I don't get sunburned. I don't want to look like a lobster during my maybe-date with Roommate Eric.  Right now I am also watching, "Wizards of Waverly Place," on the Disney Channel.