The Wheat Fields

It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved.  

This old cliche statement resonates more true in me every single day.

This posting is going to be different. It is not going to be random like all my others have been, and it is not going to be funny. I'm not going to rant. This posting is about one thing and one thing only, the fact that I am not and never will be over my ex boyfriend, Brad. 

I loved him with my whole self. I opened up to him immediately, and I trusted him about five seconds after that. The way I felt about him was so different than any other time I thought I was in love, it was real. 

I can't go to certain places that we used to go without thinking about him.

I go anyway. 

I can't look at a nice car without thinking, 'O, Brad would love that.' I can't look at hillbilly teeth, penguins, shiny bowls, or even my own arm without thinking of some thing that included him. I can't listen to most classic rock anymore without remembering that it was the only thing he wouldn't complain about playing in my car.  

It hurts.

There are days when I don't know if I can even get out of bed because he is not beside me anymore. 

But I always get up. 

It's not even that I miss him specifically anymore, I miss the way I felt about him and how I knew he wouldn't let anything happen to me. How I was safe with him. I knew that no matter what happened to me, he would be there with open arms ready and willing to pick up the pieces and let me cry until I felt better. He would be there to listen to me when I had no one else to talk to. He would be there. 

And now, he is gone. I know that I will never see him again. 

And I am ok with it. 

Even though it hurts so much to not have him, I can't help but smile when I look back on the memories we share. I am so glad that my relationship with Brad ended on good, friendly terms because that way I am grateful for the little reminders and, most of all, my standards are securely in place because I know that I have had and do deserve a man that will treat me in such a way that I want to be treated. 

Some days I look back and mourn. Most days I look back and smile and look forward to my future with whoever Mr. Next is, or maybe even Mr. Right. 

The way I felt about Brad has transformed, and it has been time to move on for a while. 

"It has done me good,"said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields."